Thursday, 28 May 2009

The Pregnancy Brief

To all my pals who will go through pregnancy in their future lives I thought you'd like a heads up on the strange occurences and phenomena that you will experience thanks to pending motherhood.
1) You'll lose memory of how how feet look like. When do u catch sight of them through the use of strategically positioned mirrors they will look like two walking talking size 10 flippers who have a life of their own!
2) Never plop down on beanbags or carpets as you may require a crane or other heavy machinery to lift you up.
3)Being as large as a quarterback sure helps in shouldering ur way to the head of a buffet table or to shove ur spouse away from an open fridge door.
4) Your main focus in life will be how to shove your foot into that pair of designer shoes that you bought as they were flats, as u didnt anticipate your feet swelling at the same rate as ur tummy.
5)you may need to overcome your spouse's price tag related objections by lying to him saying that only Gucci makes maternity clothes/shoes/accessories (your success rate increases exponentially if he has no sisters who have given birth!!)
6)You will end up growling and snarling at people who are ahead of you in line to the office microwave at lunchtimes! Please remember to apologize to all colleagues post ur delivery for any physical injury or epithets you may have flung at them and that includes the President and the Ceo!
7) Managing fashionable work maternity clothes will become a major pain as most retail companies seem to be under the assumption that the moment a women confirms her pregnancy she will send resignation faxes to her boss while simulataneously send ing applications for spa memberships and mall discount packages. So all they design is cutesy little flowered tops with jeans and little skirts.
8)Going to a maternity hospital is when u get checked out by all the other women in the waiting room thinking "HeHe her tummy is much smaller than mine", "How the hell does she still get into size 12 clothes", "Hahaha her butt is so big that if she jumps for joy she will get stuck!!"," Now why didnt i get a Louis Vuitton bag to compliment my babybump".
9)In designing a hospital layout placing the labor room or the pediatric facilities close to OBGYN facilities is always a mistake as screaming women hardly allow you to retain a semblance of ur "maternal glow" and watching harassed mothers scream at their screaming kids and look at you pityingly thinking "SUCKER!!!" will always induce a to be mum to run to the OBGYN asking for a pregnancy reversal!!
10)Getting into an out of a car is a gymnastic event for which tickets should be definitely sold. It doesnt matter what kind of car - if you own a sleek low slung sedan then u need a strong husband to pull you plus 25 pounds out of the seat.. If you own a higher SUV then you 'l require a similarly strong husband to push you and your bottom up and into the car. Needless to say it will consume 1 min of your daily life while providing 1 min of entertainment to all your neighbours who come out into the balcony to start their day with a good laugh!
11)Before I forget thereis the penguin walk. You get used to ur tummy entering rooms before you. Several times ur husband starts talking to you saying "Honey Im glad your in the room as your favorite TV serial is on" and you will yell "WHAAAATTT ?I cant hear you.I'm still walking from the bedroom to the living room"
Well these are just a few stimulating observations seen in my current daily life! I would love to tell you more but its now time for me to heave myself out of this damned chair, waddle over to the fridge and not be heard of for the next 20 mins!


  1. ROFL!!! this is soo hilarious to read..but im totally with you how you feel about this and thanks a ton for the heads up!! :)

  2. that was surely a lighter way of lookin at the whole experience..thanks, will keep those tips in mind...

  3. Not sure, how did I land up to your blog but this is a great hilarious post... Would recommend to my gonna-be-mother friends :-)

  4. Pips....u're tooo good maann!! I needed to unwind at work and thought a good laugh will help out. Your blog page has certainly done the job.